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Lest I be mistaken, let me remind readers that this does fall into the “HUMOR” category, especially “Good Examples of Bad Exegesis.” But if you like this kind of stuff, read on.

Someone on a list recently was writing about how God gifts people differently, including techies. They said:

One of the hard lessons we learned is that God calls different people with different skills to work for Him. And He chooses the people with those skills for a purpose. The same way that He made some to be pastors, and some to be teachers, He also made some to be Windows people, and others to be Linux people (I still think the “Mac people” are a mistake… [!joking!]).

I responded with this:

Well put. This is, in fact, scriptural. In Matthew 19:12, we are told that there are some who are born into Unix. There are some who have been forced into Unix. And we are told that there are others who choose Unix for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.

The important thing to note for the Windows crowd is that at the end, we are told, “Anyone who can accept this saying SHOULD accept it.” This is echoed by Paul who says we should “press on to maturity.”

We also have the prototype in the Old Testament where a Local Unix Group overthrew the dominant worldview or “operating system” of their day. This false system had as it’s leader/proponent someone named (amazingly) Jezebel. Don’t miss the significant of the Hebrew there “Jezebel” with the meaning, “Where is Bell?” Who started Microsoft ??? BILL (Bell) Gates. What was there slogan? “WHERE do you want to go today?”

Another way that we understand clearly that this is a reference to Microsoft is because the Bible states clearly that “Jezebel/Jazzy Bill” was all about profit. In the confrontation on Mount Carmel, we are told that this false system had 850x the profits / prophets of the right system. The right system was despised because they has less profit.

But even though the false system was dominant and permeated society at every level, the Unix users eventually got the upper hand. It came in the form of a cloud. At first, the cloud was small and insignificant. But eventually, the cloud grew to the point that Jezebel’s profits were completely lost, and the whole system was confronted with liquidation.

I could extend this analogy, but I’ll leave it to my insightful brothers and sisters to exercise their own giftings.

Unfortunately, one of the followers of the cult of Windows must have disagreed. So he wrote back:

Biblical yes…. but not by the above. use of the above is pushing heresy! Unix != eunics! This especially as most Unix admins are still able to spawn new child processes at will when appropriately paired with (married to) a suitable companion unit which serves as (his) helpmate in the tending and development of said child processes. I will grant that while windows Admins tend to spawn services while Unix admins For historical reasons deal more often with daemons I’m not quite sure how or even if a windows admin could handle it if such a daemon appeared. Unix admins on the other hand seem to be quite adept at handling multiple daemons simultaniously and with great skill, even to the point of causing SATAN to repent, and become SANTA!

I could not leave such false doctrine to go unchallenged, so I had to respond:

Ah, but have you read the “original Greek” (as opposed to the not so original Greek). The word was originally:

εὐνοῦχος

You can see that over time, the silent epsilon was dropped:

ὐνοῦχος

Then the masculine ending was dropped as redundant, since most Unix admins are male: (yikes, I’m treading on thin ice now)

ὐνοῦχ

Then, eventually the omicron and upsilon were elided into an iota due to the sound that people made:

ὐνiχ

And, THERE, my friend is some doctrine that will preach. And remember, the only difference between heresy and hearsay is an “a” (actually a couple, but we’ll ignore that). So if you want to get an A in doctrine, don’t just go by the hearsay of what Windows people tell you.